pride month & how i came out

inspired by bee @ quite the novel idea's post.

i've questioned and known about my sexuality since i was in middle school, and i was out to my classmates by eighth grade. middle school is, by the way, a horrible time to question and find yourself, because on top of being incredibly confused and wondering if i was a disgusting sinner, there's the flack you get from everyone else in middle school.

'fag', 'dyke', 'pervert', whatever else i was called, it all fucking sucked. i can say this completely unabashedly. i liked a girl, i dated that girl, and while i didn't know if what i was doing was right or wrong, i was at least happy about it. i was happy to hold that girl's hand, and she was my first kiss. the administrators of the school weren't happy, though, and neither were the parents who dropped off their kids for school in the morning and picked them up in the afternoons. the heterosexual 'couples' in middle school could sit on each others' laps and shove each others' tongues down their throats without so much as a second glance. i remember being really bitter about that in particular. they could be disgustingly open with their pda, but i couldn't hold another girl's hand?

the counselors at the middle school called me into their office one day. i knew what it was about. i had never acted out once, or misbehaved, or done anything to warrant a call to the office. a counselor told me if i didn't want to be called names by other students, then i just shouldn't be gay.

she literally told me that. if you don't want people to call you a dyke, innocent preteen questioning their sexuality, then just don't question your sexuality.

it wasn't as if she was telling me to even hold that girl's hand somewhere else. i was told to not be gay if i didn't want to be treated that way. i'm still really angry about this, six years later.

it was such an internal struggle for me as i questioned if i was a lesbian, if i was a bad person if i was a lesbian, if maybe this was a phase and i'd get over it like adults always say questioning teens do. i had a friend in middle school whose mother didn't allow me to come over to her house anymore because i liked girls. i felt ugly being treated like that, and for that reason, i didn't mention my sexuality to anyone for a while. i simply tried to remain as neutral as possible whenever my friends and classmates spoke about the lgbt community, so i wouldn't give anything away about myself.

by junior year, i had actually given up completely on trying to act straight. if i thought a girl was cute (which i do, very often), i would say so. if i heard a homophobic comment, i would say something about it. people would take my comments about girls very lightly, because i have a boyfriend, and the possibility of bi- or pansexuality was somehow out of the question.

there's a lot i have to say about this entire subject - lgbt rights, my coming out to my family, my gender questioning which still doesn't have an answer, and that's okay. i have an entire month to talk about it anyways.

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